Stephen Fry made a remark about Victorian sexuality while discussing Wilde that has really stuck with me. I don't remember exactly how he worded it, but the general sentiment was that the Victorians performed gender/sexuality in a really queer way, it was just that nobody talked about it. I think in the original context he was saying that the Wilde trials caused a really violent reaction in the people who were reading about it in the newspapers, etc. (in some cases including vomiting in the streets!). Because it wasn't that people didn't know it existed, it was more that they didn't have any vocabulary for talking about it (I mean plus your usual helping of religion, repression, etc.).

Uh, I guess that's just my way of saying, "yeah, totally," in a really verbose way.

Anyway, thank you again, you're making me feel so happy, because trying to engage with Foucault/Butler, etc. is challenging enough on its own terms, without introducing cravats. I'm really, really glad it worked for you!